An Important Message For Infertile Women On Mother’s Day

This post is for all of the women who want to get pregnant – but can’t. It’s for the women going through IVF for the first – or fifth time. It’s for women who are in the middle of the surrogacy process. It’s also for those who were pregnant – even for a short time – and suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth. It’s for those of you who are not sure what to do next – only that you want to build your family and it’s a heartbreaking struggle getting there. This message is for you, just you.

I know you feel alone, sad, depressed and broken. You spend most of the day longing for the child who is in your heart, but should be in your belly – or your arms right now. I know this because that was how I felt.

On this Mother’s Day, I want you to remember that you are important, whole, special and loved. You can choose to flip your focus to the deeper meaning behind this holiday. It was intended to be a celebration honoring not only the mother of the family “but motherhood, maternal bonds and the influence of mothers in society.”

Focusing on any mother figure in your life is helpful. It’s what I did each year while I was struggling with infertility. Even so, the sad thoughts of not being a mother kept returning. Actually, those thoughts were always there and it took a lot of focus and effort to keep pushing the bad feelings down so I could continue to function in my life. It wasn’t just Mother’s Day either. It was every holiday, every family gathering, every kids birthday party and baby shower. I’d feel that deep and overwhelming pain in my heart. And just when I thought I had my emotions under control – some ignorant person would ask me when we are going to have kids.

Now that I’m on other side of this struggle, I’m hoping to provide you the comfort I couldn’t give myself back then. Because I didn’t have the words. I know it may take some of you, all the strength you have, to pull yourself out of this darkness. But you first need to embrace your sadness and honor your loss. Give yourself ten minutes a day – when you have privacy – to cry, scream, punch a pillow. Whatever you need to do to release that emotion that you are pushing down deep inside. Then, the rest of your waking hours I want you to focus on what is good in your life.

I know you can find a lot of things – small or large – to be grateful for right now. Focus on the people in your life who love and support you – no matter what. Know that you are not alone – there is a community of women who are battling infertility who are ready to offer support – just ask. Be grateful for your health and your strength. Think about the senses that you take for granted – sight, sound, smell, taste and touch – and allow yourself to really enjoy them completely. Be in the moment while experiencing the delight you get from savoring your favorite foods or laughing at reality TV. Download that new album, go on a hike, head out to the beach or just take a drive with the windows down and the music up. Surround yourself with beauty and love as much as you possibly can.

Each morning you get to wake up with with a new opportunity try to do and be better. Honor and protect your spirit at all costs. Because then no matter how your fertility journey ends – you will always have a safe and comforting place to go within yourself. This Mother’s Day – you need to be celebrated too. You are going to be an amazing mother – whether it’s to a child you bear, adopt or befriend – because of this journey you are on right now.