Why Mother’s Day Is So Hard For Some Of Us

For many people Mother’s Day is a wonderful day set aside to honor the real life superheroes – women who have made a huge impact on our lives. But, for those who have lost their mom, or a child, or have been struggling to become a mother – this can also be a very painful day.

Dr. Marie Davidson is a fertility counselor in Illinois who offers women the tools they need to cope with infertility. We thought it was the perfect time to ask her advice about how to support the many women who will be dealing with a variety of emotions on Mother’s Day. We think she has some great words of wisdom to share:

How do those battling infertility typically feel during Mother’s Day?

People who long to be parents and are struggling to have a child are at risk for feelings of sadness, shame, guilt, depression, and anxiety. Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) are annual dates that can only serve to deepen these feelings.

How can those with infertility embrace the holiday?

This holiday is the day to honor one’s own mother, of course. For many women on their personal journey to motherhood, doing something special for their own mother is where the emphasis should be. The holiday may also present an opportunity to think ahead. Visualize the future family you hope to have. Set positive intentions for the year ahead.

How can loved ones support those with infertility During Mother’s Day?

If you know someone going through treatment, thoughtful gestures such as a card, a small bunch of flowers, a phone call or an offer to spend time together can go a long way in brightening their day.

What insensitive statements hurt those with infertility on Mother’s Day?

Unfortunately, there is no shortage of hurtful statements that can be uttered by well-meaning relatives or friends. They can come in the form of an inquiry into your family planning (“When are you going to have a baby? Are you trying?”), unwelcome advice about different options to become a parent (“You can always adopt.”) or tone deaf statements about your future (“If it’s meant to be, it will happen.”)

Can you share how your patients have gotten through the holiday?

Some of my patients have demonstrated how being proactive and creative can make all the difference between a day of feeling cheated and sad, and a day of inner peace and being in control.  The most important thing to do is make a plan. Avoid any gathering where you will feel like the outsider, e.g. special holiday brunches. After you do something for your own mother, do something fun for you, preferably with your partner. Plan two options – one for fine weather and one for a rainy day.

How can you honor those that have lost a child during Mother’s Day?

The most important thing to do is to acknowledge the loss. Keep it simple. A call to say “I am thinking of you today,” can mean a lot to someone who has lost a child, whether through miscarriage, at birth, or later on. However short the child’s time was (even if it was in utero), no one wants their child to be forgotten or dismissed. And don’t say “You’ll have another one.”  It is not a comforting thing to say to someone who so deeply wanted that child.

Is it better to stay home or join Mother’s Day activities?

It really depends, and this is a question that only you can answer. While seeing others can lift your spirits, choose carefully. If your social obligation requires seeing new mothers, it may be too much to bear. Listen to what you need and do what is right for you. It is really okay to decline invitations and hang out with Netflix or a good book.

What are some strategies to find peace and calm?

For some, belly breathing in a quiet room with a lavender-scented candle is calming and relaxes the mind. For others, it is pursuing an activity that gives you space from your thoughts. Playing music, riding your bicycle, doing yoga, painting, or even getting lost in an adult coloring book. It is also good to remind yourself that while this holiday kicks up a lot feelings now, it is a temporary state of being. The time will come when Mother’s Day is not a big deal.

What are some activities to stay away from?

While eating that entire chocolate cake, downing a bottle of wine, or going way over budget for new clothes can give you a temporary dopamine rush – the emotional hangover afterward will not be worth it. Avoid activities that only serve to distract but have negative effects later and make you angry at yourself.

What are some available resources for those with infertility?

There are online forums available here, local RESOLVE chapters, counselors who specialize in infertility, and community events with like-minded parents-to-be.